I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
