you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
