Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I think my vagina is haunted
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
