Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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