walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
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Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Come on in and take your pants off
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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