I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
