He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
