i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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