Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
