life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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