someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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