We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
