i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
