I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
