I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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