me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
