I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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