I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
