Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
