??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
