GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
