Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Will exercising make me less horny?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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