you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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