seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
