If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
