I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize