come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
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I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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