I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
