That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
