I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
