Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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