Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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