I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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