just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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