so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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