I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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