I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
