Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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