I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
