dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
