Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
