Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
