Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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