good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
