I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
