When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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