Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
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I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
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We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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