Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
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I think I sprained my soul last night
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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