omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well I just put wine in my tea
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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