i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
