ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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