man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
