my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
