speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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