i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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