who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
