I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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