now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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